I’ve found a lovely writer on Substack who accompanies her weekly posts with a podcast episode. It’s really great to have an eyes-free way to take in the perspective of someone with a wildly different background who has had a very relatable need for rewiring.
Working though
’s back catalog this weekend, I got to her guide for dealing with families during the holidays. I found myself nodding along to each of her mentions of the word “complicated”. You can listen to it below.
Families are complicated, and thinking about it this weekend led me to the TV Tropes page for Kids Versus Adults, which is one small page chocked full of rabbit holes to some of our favorite stories in media. I was reminded of the earliest memories I have of family complication. My biological father lived 40 minutes away, and certainly wasn’t a coparent in any sense of the word. However, I remember having a blast with him on most of our get togethers. There were video games, mini-golf, go carts, and (of course) food. There was also a step-mom who was often screaming at us, or at him. Later, I remember him often forgetting to come pick us up on planned Spend Time with Dad days. And once we were involved with church, I was being taught that homosexuals were evil and hell-bound while my dad’s brother (the only gay man I was sure I knew) was incredibly fun to be around, kind to us, and directing films that shed more light on the AIDS crisis.
One thing that I also nod along to is Ally’s reminders to her listeners that she loves the family she has complicated relationships with. Of course. There’s so much history with the folks we’re closest to. For me, it’s not hard to hold value differences and loving, wonderful memories in my head at the same time. Yes, the churches I went to in middle and high school taught me to hate me, and to hate so many people that I have grown to love in the time since. They are also responsible for some of the most amazing connections I’ve ever made. Many of the adults there really loved us and cared for us. I smile about so many of those memories so much of the time. It’s just… you know… complicated.
Speaking of complicated. Happy Birthday, United States Coast Guard! August 4th, 1790 is considered the birthday of the Coast Guard, which I served in from May 1997 until I retired in 2017. It’s the nations oldest continuous seagoing service. It’s a navy, a federal law enforcement agency, a rescue service, and it maintains the navigational aids in our federal waters. And it’s complicated.
The senate hearing linked above is from just over two months ago. It’s not investigating sexual assaults in the Coast Guard. Those happened, are happening, and presumably will continue to happen. The committee is investigating the cover-up (and the cover-up of cover-ups) of reported sexual assaults in the Coast Guard. I found it riveting and revolting. The Commandant, the Coast Guard’s leader and highest ranking official, uses well practiced lawyer speak to avoid answering direct questions about the cover-ups, which I am sure is in her best interest. It’s complicated.
During the hearing, the Master Chief Petty Officer of the Coast Guard (highest ranking enlisted member) speaks to the committee. It’s much more brief, but it provided a clue to me as to why the Coast Guard is still reeling from a problem it’s been actively trying to stamp out since the mid-2010s. He mentions a process called Chiefs Call to Initiation (CCTI) as an example of where they’re doing things right. I definitely raised an eyebrow at that one.
My first experience with CCTI came in 1998 here in Sitka, when a bunch of the highest ranking enlisted members on our boat raided my galley to make what I initially thought was a marinade or brine. (It’s Alaska. Lots of smoked meat up here.) It was actually a “truth serum” that they were going to later use in a hazing ceremony. In 2004, I walked in on Chiefs building a stand for people to go bobbing in toilet bowls, presumably unused toilet bowls, probably for Snickers bars.
I made Chief in 2013 and refused to go through CCTI. I was harassed by our highest ranking enlisted member on base until I retired four years later.
CCTI in the naval services roots deeply into the soil of humiliation and harassment. The hazing is definitely something both the Navy and Coast Guard tried to stomp out over the years (well before I saw them really “try” with sexual assault abolishment). The Coast Guard even briefly changed the name to use the word indoctrination1 to distance itself from its roots. Like an incessant dandelion root, it’s nearly impossible to get all of it out of the dirt, and as recently as 2019 you had Navy service members being made to do pushups in dogshit.
Also, people I adore — those I looked up to, learned from, and often called friends went through and appreciated the CCTI process. They continue to participate after their own initiation: raising money, team building, making a lifetime of memories. Because it’s complicated.
Sexual assault and sexual harassment have the same deep roots in our service. In the 90s and early aughts, I saw and participated in plenty actions that contributed to the rotten soil. At some point I decided to listen to the people telling me there was no place for it at work. I’m sure I could see the detrimental effects the innuendos, physical rough housing, shaming, and shit talking had on the people around me. I certainly didn’t want to cause any damage once I realized that I could.
It is super hard to redirect the folks around you, though. How do you report the Senior Chief in charge of the vessel when you’re 22yo and he’s asking you the Sex Questions on the bridge in front of half the crew and it’s your first trip? What do you do with the rescue swimmer everyone loves that likes to trick people into looking at pictures of his dick when he could literally beat the shit out of you? How do you address the established Chief at a campfire who talks about rats “turning gay” in captivity when talking about the first out gay couple to move into housing when you’re not established and already harassed daily?
It takes guts. It takes more guts than I often had. It takes energy to withstand the What’s Next. I’d like to think I’d knock some heads now, challenging each person that dares stir the hate pot or talk down about another service member. But most days I struggle to find the energy to walk to work, so who knows.
It’s complicated.
I am so grateful to have had the Coast Guard in my life. It does have a storied history of saving lives and helping people. I’m proud that I served, and I’m proud of what I accomplished. I’m amazed at my scared self when I remember standing up to the harassers and the bullies and the creeps when I did. Beyond that, there have been members of the organization and structures in place to help me survive and sometimes thrive at work and at home.
However, from the beginning, those positives were always paired with hostile work environments, emotional strain, and accepted bigotry.
It’s complicated.
This was so funny to me. Indoctrination sounds like you’re being brainwashed into a cult, which is kind of what I always thought they were trying whilst saying they weren’t. Initiation literally just means a process to let someone join a club, which is more what they wanted it to be.
Well done. I remember what a difficult time that was for you.
I appreciate your vulnerability shipmate ❤️ it is COMPLICATED