Tumbling Together
Assembling My Stormy Mind
Today’s been a low energy day for me. I really wanted to do more creative anything today, but ended up spending most of the day looking for a spark. I cleaned up around my desk some more. Often my brain wants to blow up my working and creative areas — whether at work or at home, you can generally see the state of my brain expressed in the number of uncapped highlighters, buried sticky notes, and spilled coffee spots all over my desk. I’ve found cleaning and organizing is a good first step to actually using a desk.
I watched a very relatable moment on a YouTube video a couple of weeks ago. The creator was discussing their thoughts and emotions and how “all over the place” they are. As she spoke about the tumultuousness of her brain, she had edited in a clip of snow flurries on a breezy day. When I watched it the first time, I thought, “Yup — chaotic. Just like my desk.” And there is, for sure, a bit of chaos to my mind (and desk). The flakes are small enough, or aerodynamically shaped in such a way that movement sideways or upwards is not only possible, but seemingly likely. It all seems strange and free of gravity.
It’s March, and that’s Spring(ish) here in Sitka. Flurries are common and I’ve spent the couple of weeks enjoying these thoughts while watching the snow, whether it’s falling or fluttering. Ironically, it feels meditative. My brain feels less and less cluttered as those out of control emotions and those thoughts of being out of control all flit out of my brain for a bit. My eyes dart to a flake and I watch it until if moves out of my view or I lose track of it in front of a passing car or bounding boxer.
After I cleaned, I still felt pretty drained, and that got me thinking about people. I’ve focused a lot lately on how much social situations drain me, especially since I don’t drink anymore. The idea of seeing people tends to get me exhausted even before I’ve left the house. And whether at work, at a friend’s house, or out in town, even when I am most enjoying my time I find myself aching to be back home where I can quiet my brain.
It’s not so much that I’m overlooking the energy charge I can get from other people; I do often think about it in great detail. There’s so much I am proud of that I only accomplished with people by my side. That seems obvious and it’s not quite what I mean. What I mean is: I have a list of individual accomplishments I don’t believe I could have done in the absence of friends and family. Whatdya say I list a few.
Winning thousands of dollars playing small stakes online poker back when I could do that from this state. At the time, I teamed up with friends from around the world to discuss hand histories and strategies, and to rally around each other at final tables to root each other on. Many of those folks felt like family, and they switched on my Show-Off button because I wanted them to see me at my best. The result was tons of energy being directed at better game sense, and loads of focus during events.
Jogging Oh-So-Many miles. I’ve been getting a random album generator to assign me an album each day. Friday’s was The Killers’ 2004 album Hot Fuss, and each song gives my body a bit of a surge. Whether here in Sitka or on a treadmill on St. Paul Island, on my phone or on an iPod Nano, with songs of that era I’m taken back to pushing through a drizzle or through staring at the peeling paint of a storage bay. Those runs were driven by an excitement among friends. They encouraged me through injuries and celebrated my being with them on group runs. It never seemed so much about “accountability” as much as just a shared enthusiasm.
Writing! (writing for writing’s sake, correspondence, school, podcasts, and etc.) I’m on Substack after the encouragement of a fellow writer. My first Nanowrimo was as a “Let’s do this next” project with a friend. I never would have thought people were interested in reading what I have to say without teachers, friends, and family (and strangers!) letting me know they’re interested in reading what I have to say.
As I draft this, I’m looking over our driveway into the woods. Not so much into the woods as towards them. There’s snow falling, but it’s more straight down than the metaphorical snow that I’m thinking of when I think of my thoughts and emotions. Still, though, when I look close enough it’s just as confused and awkward. The flakes aren’t sure what size to be, or how fast they should fall. Their speed is sometimes increased by their bulk as they rocket towards their collision, and sometimes that heft halts them as they catch the air and sway side-to-side in their tumble. But they’re all moving the same direction. Racing each other to the ground, or just joining each other for the journey.
Even the snowflakes can be confused about life and their purpose… how comforting :)