Still

I'm gunna need you to cry when you get to work, too.

I work at a dentist office as the Front Desk Human. It’s reception, insurance processing, scheduling, and basically anything the non-Front Desk Humans feel like trusting me with. Thursday is our last workday of the week, and I spent this Thursday morning’s walk to work listening back to my episodes on And Then Suddenly… The episodes are downloaded on my phone and I listen to them regularly. The most striking parts of each interview (to me) are just how miserable most jobs made me, and how clearly I can hear my undiagnosed ADHD screaming through the first episode.

Not knowing I had ADHD, and the resulting lack of understanding of how my ADHD mind works, created the most awful results in every possible emotional situation at work. There was anger, miscommunication, hurt, and even some abuse. I wound myself up and escalated nearly all situations, constantly feeling under attack.

The episodes soothe me, and that’s generally why I relisten. The host, Angela, is incredibly empathetic with all of her guests, and I love how she drew more out of me in each episode. I don’t specifically know what prompted that Thursday listen, but I got to peak high tide of emotion as I reached work, about halfway though the second episode.

Then I walked into the break room.

I guess you could say this celebration got pretty serious

It was full waterworks, as the love I felt was juxtaposed with my memories of all of the drama that led me finding this job. Friday was my third anniversary in the position, and a coworker (and long-time family friend) had organized a celebration. (She did so much work!)

This has been my most favorite job of all time. Most of that is the people I work with. It’s a small practice. One dentist and three hygienists make up our providers. We have two dental assistants. Doc’s wife comes in to do pretty much anything and everything except yank teeth out.

They’re all incredibly nice. That’s a trite way to put it, but it’s the most obvious word for it — nice. We’ve had some turnover since I arrived, but Doc continues to hire more nice people, and so it’s been the most consistent part of the job. I’ve never felt more appreciated and supported by everyone around me. I may never feel it in a professional setting outside of this job, which makes it tough to imagine ever working anywhere else. On my worst days, I’ve never been happier at work.

Which — it’s good to feel good at work after the cats threaten to end me each morning.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be in this position. Daily work is still a huge struggle. I’m currently not on medication because, in spite of making things much more doable, stimulants make my jaw hurt. I’m between psychologists, so other options are on hold. Most days I don’t get everything done that I want to, and before my understanding can kick in I feel like shit about it.

But having this job makes me want to figure all of that out. I know how precise I was on meds, and I loved the feeling of being caught up on everything, or damn near everything. It is not worth the pain I felt in my face, so hopefully I can get back to that without physically hurting.

Last week had started off with me escaping over to Juneau for a VA appointment. It was the first step in the process of exploring new solutions for medicating my ADHD. I really wanted to come back feeling fresh about the job, so I also took the opportunity to meet one of fellow Front Desk Humans. She has worked for a specialist over in Juneau for years, and I’ve always enjoyed speaking with her over the phone.

We had lunch at talked quite a bit about the things we’ve loved and hated about our jobs, past and present. There were plenty of laughs. I didn’t cry when I relayed anecdotes of my worst times. (I don’t look at not crying as a positive, necessarily. It’s just a possible sign that I’m healing from some past work trauma; I am usually just fine with crying!)

After the lunch, I took myself over to the glacier. It was an epically sunny day over in Juneau, and even with a slight breeze I found myself sitting outside for dozens of minutes without feeling cold. I loved how quiet it was in the valley. I wore my Vans, so I couldn’t get any good pictures of the glacier or the lovely waterfall nearby. (It was still pretty snowy on the trail.) Just trust me when I say the photos would have carried a sense of just how still it was out there, even though there was so much moving.

The landscape near the glacier is so intriguing, but not quite photogenic all the time. Quite alien, actually.

That’s kind of how this job feels to me right now. There is so much movement. Customers are in and out. Doc is bouncing between the operatories. Assistants are buzzing between their coffee, the bathroom, and the rubber dams. Hygienists are… probably giving me chills by sharpening their instruments. No one calls our phone and then every one calls our phone. And I have just sat right there for 3 years. Happy. Content. Tired. Restless. Wondering what 4 years will look like.

Still.