Part II - While I Was Responding

An Illustration of My Soul

This (now) four-part series is a response to questions posed in a welcome email I received after subscribing to While I Was Drawing. You can read Part I: Where Am I From? first, or go back later if you can’t wait to find out what lights my soul. My favorite post I’ve read from Emily’s back catalog (so far!) is here:

Best Friends

Part II: What Lights My Soul…

Connections. Creating. Creative problem solving. Systems.

and Paige. She lights my soul

These are all words that popped into my mind the moment I sat down to write about what lights my soul. I love making connections, and I originally thought that was what I was going to write about here. But I don’t feel fired up for that. I don’t have an urge to make the next human connection. And actually, since I stopped drinking, I’m kind of terrified of even running into people I adore and want to be around. And I am not actively seeking the next weird tangent my brain is going to take that somehow jumps me from someone talking about Trader Joe’s to me remembering that study I read once about the idea that perhaps cows like to poo facing North-South. Or something. I don’t remember it, exactly, anymore. I just know it bounces into my brain from time-to-time and I am certainly never asking for it.

Now I just drink coffee and Aha. As indicated here, it’s pretty yummy.

What I really want is to be creating something at all times. I want this so much that I beat myself up about not creating at all times. Sometimes, I am creating a solution that involves designing my next favorite Excel spreadsheet. Other times I am trying to program a video game, or even just playing a complex video game. I love creating systems and solutions because I need them to survive.

Making it Mine

I've mentioned how much I enjoy mornings. I even named the blog after them. Mornings are where I first learned to solve the problem that is, at times, my brain. My current job is a wonderful place I also enjoy. It’s a space where I feel I am constantly workshopping systems. When I first arrived, I started to implement some things I already knew. Organizing files in Windows. Upgrading spreadsheets or moving paper systems to electronic format to have a more heads-up display. I arrived at this job as I was discovering my ADHD diagnosis and it is remarkable to see the many automatic systems I had built without the knowledge of how my brain worked.

I just wanted pretty here. Context is later.

My favorite example of this is how I work through lists. In the first few months, I needed to run a report showing any procedures that had not been sent to insurance. It's a dental office, so some procedures aren't sent - like the codes for selling toothpaste or custom bleaching trays. There are also secondary insurance claims unsent if the primary claim paid at 100%. We are human, though, which is why we run the report. After a couple years on the job, I typically find about 1 in 30 of the items on the report end up being mistakes needing correction. Just oversights or a procedure added on review, but after I sent the original claim.

Sifting through all of those legitimate items to find the little mistakes sounds super boring, right? Now imagine lacking the brain chemicals to even look at the sheet. The first time I ran the report, I instinctually started from the bottom and worked my way up. Eventually, I ran out steam and picked a letter in the middle and did all the “S” last names and then picked another random letter. Pretty soon I was almost done, and the idea of checking it off became exciting on its own. Lately, I've learned some Excel shortcuts and automatically sort and color code the list, and I finalize the end printout with 6 different highlighter colors, all looking just so beautiful and making my brain dance with dopamine. Sometimes I even run the report a week early because I’m anxious to start. It's not easy to get through it, but I recognize how I've systematically made it as easy as I can. It’s not actually easier in the sense that I’m doing less work. The organization takes a bit of time. I’m really deciding to step on the most stable rocks when hopping around on the beach. There’s probably a quicker way, but I’m less likely to fall and I should get where I'm going each time.

Damn Good

Systems and problem solving continue to draw me in from outside of work, too. I often use my hyperfocus tendencies to get super proficient at a hobby. For a long time that was home brewing. I started that journey on one of my trips to St Paul Island. I took John Palmer's How to Brew with me, and I read it cover to cover. I listened to podcasts from The Brewing Network and others for 3 months. Before I left to travel home, I ordered my brewing gear in time to have it arrive the day after I did. I brewed that weekend.

I love the tunable results of brewing. I could see, smell, and taste the differences of the decisions (and mistakes!) I made. The brew day itself, stretched out with timers for hop additions, flameout, and cooling, had enough downtime for me to relax outside (or pseudo-outside once I got a garage). I hung out with friends during the boil, or had them help with bottling. I would sip coffee or drink beers, stream a hockey game, or enjoy a hot bowl of ramen.

My friends loved it. I would host release parties, planning to have two flavors available. We would pack the house and make pretzels or watch an event or just talk and drink. I would show up to wedding receptions and post-show cast parties with flip-top bottles and we would always run out.

I won a medal at the SEAK Beerfest and had a friend offer to pay me for six packs (I did not sell any homebrew - that’s illegal. I would be terrified of being captured.)

I won brewing.

Better at brewing than I am at soccer

Retirement

So I retired in the way only someone with ADHD super powers can. I packaged a batch one day, bottling the previous one and putting the fresh stuff on CO2. I tucked the keg in for the night and thought, I'll just clean out the fermenter in the morning.

This is also the way I quit making kombucha, too. Did you know if you leave a SCOBY in the kombucha batch it will eventually fill up the entire vessel? It goes from looking like a disgusting, oddly shaped chicken breast to a disgusting, oddly shaped turkey breast after some months. Beer, on the other hand, only has yeast, which is not the most powerful microorganism around. That shit sours and finds anything to hold on to and then you better be set up for aging and blending sour beer in 6 months to a year.

Not for this guy who just didn’t want to clean the fermenter for an night. Or the next. or the next.

I had won brewing, and so I retired.

Our boat’s for sale right now and it's the same thing. I got damn good at it. I saw humpbacks bubble-feeding. I caught enough salmon and fish tacos to fill my freezers and my extended family’s bellies. The passion I had to solve it and make it mine is no longer there, and all that's left, if I choose to cling to it, is the Impending Sense of Should that strikes each time I can clearly see the green #11 from the house, blinking it’s judgement at me every 2.5 seconds. I’m done. Thank you for your time and your memories. I don’t want you any more.

What’s next? What’s lighting my soul today? Maybe I’ll make a spreadsheet to figure out some obscure equations I don’t really need for a video game and make my own pretty chart. What lights your soul? Tell me in the comments or tell your friends.

From my world…

At least the would-be-thief knew we had likely sanitized our hands before touching the steering column

I went to the Lower-48! Mary and I, went to visit Corvallis and our daughter Audrey (among other things). She’s slaying at Oregon State, writing articles and just being a general badass adult. We took in a soccer match between OSU and my home-town SDSU. I took in lots of yummy food. We found out how much cheaper and better Trader Joe’s is than our local stores. We found out how a rental car is much more at risk in Seattle than in Sitka. I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad to be home and I would gladly do some of it all over again. Go Beavs, and we’ll see you soon with Part III: What Makes My Heart Sing?

Also…. I may need to write about Chester soon. He’s so old now and… well, just look at him <3

Feffer <3