My Voices
Me, striving to be here
It's the second blog post and I'm getting a familiar feeling. I'm two steps into a project with no confidence that I'll ever post again or even "finish" a thing in my whole life. I'm really happy with my first post and that makes these voices even louder:
You'll lose interest soon.
You're going to forget it's Thursday.
We've seen this rerun.
This wont be as good as your first post.
No one liked that one either.
No one wants to hear what you say.
I listen to Oakland-based Forrest Day a lot. I cherish a song of his called “Voices” off the 2013 album The Second.
I don't literally hear voices in my head. However, bouncing around inside my brain are words like shrapnel inside a tank. They tell me about how I have been, and always will be, a failure. I have numerous empty spiral notebooks above my desk. They contain evidence of ripped out pages. Deleted files don't leave such a trail, but I know they number among the many creative works I have destroyed out of shame, guilt, and frustration.
The fear of "failing" a blog project, or of the true feeling of embarrassment and shame that may come along with publishing personal writings - that fear comes from lived experiences.
Over the last few years (mostly through therapy) I have been working on my reaction to My Voices. I used to allow the natural progression of undiagnosed ADHD to take over.
Avoid it. Its voluntary. It doesn’t matter. No one's going to read it anyway, right? Might as well delete the file - tear out the pages of that spiral notebook.
Yeah.
And don’t forget to feel guilty about it.
Loser.
No one beats me up about my hobbies like me, the hobbyist.
I hear the voices now. And by that I mean I recognize them. I know a bit more about where they come from - how they twist up my truths and my lived experiences.
I still respond to those voices, too. I am scared. I feel the heat of shame rising off of my vulnerability. I think I'm less than worthy to be blogging than the real writers out there.
But you know what?
This blog exists.
It is a result of posts that I created. Even if it's just two of them, for now or forever, it's me finishing something.
It's a creative success.
And it's only here because I’m learning to take back a bit of my life from My Voices.
From my world…
This week I ran my oldest daughter Abigail out to a nearby cove to camp with her friends. They had a blast, and I went fishing for five hours “on the way” to pick her up on Sunday. I was lucky enough to catch a King Salmon and some great relaxation. And I had to slow down for a whale on my way back.
Next week I’m starting a class at University of Alaska Fairbanks and participating in Camp NaNoWriMo. I’ll be trying to write a 100-word story about my time on St. Paul Island each day of July. Maybe I’ll share some on here! Thanks for reading!