ADHD Labels, Part II
In which I finish a thing!
Hey, look at that! I’ve finished the second part of my discussion about the 50th episode of ADHD Aha! in which host Laura Key and producer Jessamine Molli list 5 labels folks with ADHD often use to describe themselves. Below is a link to part one, where I relate to the labels Ditzy and Intense. Check it out or just read on to find out how I’ve been a troublemaker.
3. Troublemaker
The podcast episode introduces Troublemaker with a couple previous guests and I wasn’t really sure how to relate to the label. I was always the good kid, I thought. The older brother was always kicking the hive and I was scrambling to make sure all the bees were okay. It was, again, Jessamine who started my brain running:
“I always had trouble with arbitrary rules…”
“And then it's perceived as defiance,” Laura responds.
I may have been considered anti-establishment in my career as a cook in the Coast Guard. Thinking about that since my ADHD diagnosis has been a revelation. First, I tend to have intense feelings when I think things aren’t being done right, or when results of actions seem unjust.
I remember “saying as much” when things seemed off. Each time I arrived at a new assignment I was told that it was important to speak up when things are off. Is there a way we can be doing better around here? We want to know.
No they don’t. Or, that’s at least what I’ve felt since forever, and until recently. What I believe now is that there are not a lot of people that are prepared for the amount of intensity and passion I bring to a problem I perceive. What do you mean you want us to wear or uniform PT gear to the morale softball game?! Shouldn’t we go home early if we got everything done!? Why are we anchoring instead of pulling in to port!?! No, I won’t go through your initiation!
I couldn’t figure out why no one else thought like me, or considered the big deal in my mind to be a Big Deal. And so yeah, they were probably glad when I transferred or retired.
2. Bad
In the words of producer Jessamine, “…simple and so, so damaging.”
As far as labels go, this would also be my second ranked self-assigned. I’ve always flirted with considering myself a "bad” person. It’s easy to feel bad, I think, for being impulsive and lacking executive function in a world that values our production and social normalness. Forgetful, inefficient, late. All of these can lead me to feel like I’m doing it all wrong, and I am these things so very often.
I’m also sad a lot, a feeling I grew up thinking was “bad”. Each work day I commute to work on foot. I walk down our hill and through Sitka National Historical Park. The Park opens up to a sea walk that takes me past Crescent Harbor, through downtown, and up the road to work. I’ve written about this walk before, and it’s responsible for so many of the pictures that appear on my blog. I’m not down for missing this walk because it’s crucial for my mood.
I’m so damn sad and/or angry when I wake up. Getting my body moving and outside is a routine I have to get me in the headspace where I am presentable to my coworkers and our customers. A lot of what I enjoy about the walk is my choice of music. Often favorites from the 90s, and almost always sad, it works for me to embrace that feeling and sort of burn through it before I’m around people.
For a long stretch of time, I felt like there was something wrong with me for feeling this way. I also felt like I couldn’t get life right if I wasn’t able to just walk with the sounds of nature all around me - no earbuds.
Let me reiterate. I felt like a bad person for the way I walked to work. In the words of renowned small-town Colorado doctor Harry Vanderspeigle, “This is some bullshit!”
1. Lazy
“This is the root of so much shame and guilt. This idea of you're just not trying hard enough and you're doing this on purpose,” host Laura says of this last label. It is the label most used with guests on their show, and it is the label I’ve easily battled with the most throughout my life.
It ties into the Bad label for me, too. Why can’t I complete these insurance claims? Why can’t I concentrate enough to finish counting inventory? Holy fuck I don’t want to cut up peppers today, let me put it off long enough that they don’t end up on the pizza. And why, oh why, can I never seem to bring myself to do my homework? I must be lazy.
Recently, I’ve come to the realization that I may never come back from the negative associations I’ve made for not getting things done. I know I’m not lazy. There have been many times when I’ve stayed late at work organizing, cleaning, or working through a problem that’s developed. I can reconcile my effort and my output with my interest and my energy.
What I can’t do is get things done at will. And sometimes I really want to. That’s when I’m washed out by the wake of the Lazy label, off balance and feeling generally nauseous about what I can and can’t get done. And it feels bad, man.
Back to Hockey
Thanks for reading! I’m going to get back to watching hockey and drafting my novel and eating way too many tortilla chips. I hope you check out ADHD Aha! if it interests you!
