ADHD Labels, Part I
Implying I'll eventually get to Part II
My latest podcast fixation is ADHD Aha! in which host Laura Key interviews folks about when they recognized ADHD in themselves or a loved one. It’s a fantastic listen. The episodes are quick hitters. Laura asks great questions and comes across quite empathetic. The crew around her does and excellent job and I’ve been loving listening through their back catalogue.
Today I got to their 50th episode. Producer Jessamine Molli comes on the show, and the two count down 5 common labels their previous guests have used for ADHD traits/symptoms/etc. It’s a clip show, and I heard quite a few of my favorites from earlier episodes. I remembered each of the guests they reshared because Oh My God ADHD might as well be just me seeing myself in other people’s struggles.
Listen to the episode if you want some highlights of the pod. Subscribe to the podcast if you need more in your feed. (I did not, but I put my 42 hours of queue on hold for a bit.) If you want spoilers on the 5 ADHD labels most used in the podcast, I’m about to write about how I relate to each of them. Laura says in the episode:
…so much of the journey is about kind of unpacking those words. And becoming self-aware and understanding that these words that we use to describe ourselves, they're actually just ADHD symptoms that we've interpreted in a negative way and then use it to blame ourselves. And we carry the shame around.
It’s so true. And recognizing myself in these labels helps me be nice to myself, which is my favorite thing to do.
But First!
I’m publishing this in two parts. (Future me might be kind enough to link the next installment here.) I didn’t expect to write this much! I also have not finished the second draft yet, and it might be awhile before I do, because…
Today is April 28th (in my hemisphere), and that’s the day I started drafting a novel! For the next 83 days I will be spending nearly all of my writing energies on that. Writing on Substack will probably happen when am way ahead on drafting (not likely), stuck (terribly likely), or can’t wait to get back on here (somewhat likely). I’ve really been enjoying the feedback from people who read these, but it’s a lot to publish consistently and also draft a novel.
One day I’ll finish my thoughts on this. I have NO IDEA when, is what I’m saying. But I’m drafting a novel! Isn’t that exciting?!
Back to the show
Without further ado, and in the order they appeared on the show — five labels ADHD folks might label themselves.
5. Ditzy
Laura and Jessamine lumped guests’ self-owning their scattered brains into this label. Folks who talked about being messy or who struggle with time management or time blindness may call themselves Ditzy or a Hot Mess.
It’s funny, when I started writing this post I didn’t realize how hard it would be to write about how folks label themselves without applying the same labels. I drafted the above as “People who are messy or spacey may fall into this category”. I wonder if it’s because I use these labels on myself all the time.
Not so much ditzy — that label seems to be one women are socialized to take on. As Laura says, they’re expected to “never make mistakes like that, to be on top of organization, to be serene and just… on time.”
But I’m messy as hell in my own mind. Selectively messy, anyway. When I finally decide something has hit critical “I NEED TO PAY ATTENTION” status, my first step is almost always to organize around it. It’s tough to cook dinner when the kitchen is wrecked, know what I mean? As a kid that was finally cleaning the hell out of my bedroom, or tackling those assignments to buoy my D grade.
And MAN, I feel like a Space Case all the time. I am pretty sure I was the human they based the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty on. My brain is flying off where it wants to go so much of my life. Even when I am fully engaged in a task, my brain will be winning the argument from 5 years ago or fanaticizing about where I’ll be living 20 years from now. Maybe especially when I’m engaged in a task it will be off doing those things.
So, yeah, when someone asks a question in the middle of that, or tells me about their day, I’m going to miss almost all of the words right up until I say, “I’m sorry, what?” where the “What” is “I heard absolutely nothing and I’m only just now getting to the point that I might care to listen, but odds are I’m not quite fully interested, yet”.
Generally, this is where my label collides with my shame. I know I want to listen to people. I know that when I do, I can be really good at it. When I fail, I feel like I’ve hurt the other person (because I often have). I feel like I’m a bit stupid for not being able to concentrate. I feel like I’m a bad friend. And these are just the Shame Voices I hear when I’m labeling my self Spacey. I’m not counting the times I failed at following directions and ended up late, or lost track of time and forgot a kid at school or dance.
4. Intense
Producer Jessamine says in the episode: “[Feeling intense] probably makes people feel… Crazy …why am I reacting in this way that is so out of control? And everyone else seems to take things in stride.”
Oh boy.
I’m two words into this post and I already know it may have been an overreach. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but relating to labels that I’ve often considered negative is the quickest way to confront behaviors, past and present, that have led to some really super sad emotions.
That last part Jessamine said — taking things in stride. It’s the fix! It’s the thing all of the doctors tried to tell me when I would talk about my anxieties. You can choose not to get so worked up about this. A high ranking official is harassing you at work? Why do you stress about it when he’s not around? He’s probably not thinking about you, so why give him that kind of power?
How can I not?
Recently I had a medical professional tell me that my life would be so much better if I just let it roll off of me like water off the back of a duck. If I can just be more like him I’ll solve all these problems related to my ADHD. I can tell he was really read up on ADHD and I’m glad he took the time to make himself relevant. That is sarcasm because I am still mad about that.
See? I’m mad about a generic comment thoughtlessly made to me months ago like I’m still in the room. The thing is, I know what the “ideal” state is. At this point I’ve been in therapy for close to six years. So much of that time, and so many more years in my own head, I’ve be trying to “fix” myself to reach that “ideal” state of just easing through life. It seems infinitely more comfortable than trying to translate the body language and words of every single human in my life. That shit’s exhausting
What I’m realizing is there won’t ever always be a “just chill” state for me. There can be differences in what I choose to do when my brain and my nervous system decide to kick into high gear. But it will always have that high gear standing by.
With my brain intently chewing on the last thing or the next thing, I have moments where all that shit is going to spit out into the room. This is in moments of intense philosophical discussions at the bar or on the mess deck sitting at anchor. Or I’m going to break down for you exactly how to make the driest beer possible by paying attention to enzymatic reactions between barley types. Or I’ll describe the precise location I caught that salmon, including depth of water and gear I was using.
It’s also in moments of what I call my pre-defensiveness. I know you’re coming for me, and I’m ready to snap at you. I can’t walk around with all this shame without you seeing it, too. Why wouldn’t you attack me? This intense reaction might be why some might think I’m a troublemaker. Which is word number three. Which you’ll have to wait for because I have a novel to draft!
